Monday, February 13, 2006

The ache that follows his form,
That chokes the giddy song behind the sternum,

I would not trade this
For sanguine wrists
Or cigarette burns.

Sluggish taps in the chest
However painful, however slow,
Declare that the heart has not turned to granite
just yet.


Anonymous
11:12:53 PM

3 Comments:

Blogger TintedFragipan said...

Get rid of the second stanza, and it becomes a lot better.

2/14/2006 05:54:00 PM  
Blogger Maverick said...

Alright sir, please do not take offense to this suggstion:
Try this:

"The ache that follows his form,
That chokes the giddy song behind the sternum,

I would not trade this
For sanguine wrists
Or cigarette burns.

The heart has not turned to granite
just yet."

I am not a fan of rewriting another's work, but say it, see it, and think of it. I enjoy the second stanza actually, it is pleasing off the teeth and tongue.

2/14/2006 10:23:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. Thanks for the suggestions, guys. It was really a momentary sort of "Omigod the Tangst...It's overwhelming!", but I do appreciate the criticism. A lot.

2/14/2006 10:59:00 PM  

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