The ache that follows his form,
That chokes the giddy song behind the sternum,
I would not trade this
For sanguine wrists
Or cigarette burns.
Sluggish taps in the chest
However painful, however slow,
Declare that the heart has not turned to granite
just yet.
Anonymous
11:12:53 PM
That chokes the giddy song behind the sternum,
I would not trade this
For sanguine wrists
Or cigarette burns.
Sluggish taps in the chest
However painful, however slow,
Declare that the heart has not turned to granite
just yet.
Anonymous
11:12:53 PM
3 Comments:
Get rid of the second stanza, and it becomes a lot better.
Alright sir, please do not take offense to this suggstion:
Try this:
"The ache that follows his form,
That chokes the giddy song behind the sternum,
I would not trade this
For sanguine wrists
Or cigarette burns.
The heart has not turned to granite
just yet."
I am not a fan of rewriting another's work, but say it, see it, and think of it. I enjoy the second stanza actually, it is pleasing off the teeth and tongue.
Wow. Thanks for the suggestions, guys. It was really a momentary sort of "Omigod the Tangst...It's overwhelming!", but I do appreciate the criticism. A lot.
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