einstein
or: Poem #1 in the Style of TintedFragipan but not Gertrude Stein
i was i am not a Jew
i am i was not Elijah
i was not did have (have not?) a fiery chariot & ascended exploded to heaven & i am i am not have not genius because genius is heaven & i did not ascend & i had had not faith have faith in god & numbers & elijah inside e=mc^2 & i am i am not have have not ideas exploding now & inside & one day in deserts & one day in heaven with eliahu hanavi
i am did not was there with my brothers at a cramped oven desk writing formulas in ashes i was on a plane ascending exploding floating on e=mc^2 to safety, but not heaven & i was had not ideas exploding in fissures & chain reactions cracking open rocks & one day cities but never heaven & i have gold & i have lead & i have not uranium or the love of god.
Note: It's still much more of an experiment/very rough draft than an actual attempt at art/expression. Criticism is appreciated.
Anonymous
4/23/2006
03:45:42 PM
or: Poem #1 in the Style of TintedFragipan but not Gertrude Stein
i was i am not a Jew
i am i was not Elijah
i was not did have (have not?) a fiery chariot & ascended exploded to heaven & i am i am not have not genius because genius is heaven & i did not ascend & i had had not faith have faith in god & numbers & elijah inside e=mc^2 & i am i am not have have not ideas exploding now & inside & one day in deserts & one day in heaven with eliahu hanavi
i am did not was there with my brothers at a cramped oven desk writing formulas in ashes i was on a plane ascending exploding floating on e=mc^2 to safety, but not heaven & i was had not ideas exploding in fissures & chain reactions cracking open rocks & one day cities but never heaven & i have gold & i have lead & i have not uranium or the love of god.
Note: It's still much more of an experiment/very rough draft than an actual attempt at art/expression. Criticism is appreciated.
Anonymous
4/23/2006
03:45:42 PM
4 Comments:
The second para/stanza was leaps better than the first. LEAPS.
that makes me wonder: did you write this at the same time, or pause in between? I'd say the former, which is an interesting statement about how the poetic mood works.
If you are going for Stein (haha, my) style, the repetition needs work. You have to focus more on the sound than on the meaning. It needs to be either horribly dischordant or amazingly smooth. You struck "in between" a few times. I need to be able to tell which one you are doing.
The subject matter, as is the subject with most of your poems that I've read, is amazing. Refine the delivery, and you're golden.
This reads like something from As I Lay Dying.
I did not like As I Lay Dying.
But don't take anything I say here seriously. This is better than most of the poems I read on Tangst (which, by the way, I HATE).
I hate Tangsty poems. This site is already emo enough without them.
TF: you have officially been placed in the hall of Editors That Have my Eternal Adoration (not just for this poem; for all that you've edited and all that you've criticized).
Yeah, the poem was part of an meditation for class so I wrote the entire thing in, like, ten minutes. The 2nd half of the alternate title was more of a joke than anything. My real G.S. poem is finished and ready to hand in and I (think/hope) that it's a bit more Stein-esque than this.
And to T.W.O.Rashi: chill out about hating the emo kids. The Etc. Clause is all ABOUT emo poetry. Some people just happen to post other not-so-emo poetry because they think that the informal editing that happens here is better because (a) the (supposed) anonymity means that the editors don't feel inclined to tone down or sugarcoat their criticism, and therefore (hopefully) give a more honest reaction and/or (b) the anonymity gives the writer distance from his/her work, and also lets him/her share it without having to feel like the poem has to be a representation of him/herself and something that everyone else will base their judgement of him/her upon.
I really like the second stanza as well, for all the same reasons as tinted. The more I read it the more I liked it. I can't write anything like this, but reading it has made me try to challenge myself with new styles.
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