It helps if you've read "Anecdote of the Jar" by Wallace Stevens.
I built a City on a Hill,
It’s Steeples stark ‘gainst stormy skies,
And all who lived there knew God’s Will,
And each dank valley did we despise.
For those below knew not of Truth,
Nor Faith, nor Love, nor Evening Tea.
Their men, broad and raucous, their women all loose
Placing vice and the body before God’s High Decree.
But even barbarians bow down to shame,
‘Til far and wide spread our renown,
‘Til each mother’s Morals and Joys were the same,
‘Til not one man danced. No one bellowed. None frowned.
And now in the end we have no regrets.
What foolish misgivings could there possibly be?
Now that every town shimmers and each one is blessed.
Like everything else in Tennessee.
Anonymous
4/25/06
11:41:38 PM
I built a City on a Hill,
It’s Steeples stark ‘gainst stormy skies,
And all who lived there knew God’s Will,
And each dank valley did we despise.
For those below knew not of Truth,
Nor Faith, nor Love, nor Evening Tea.
Their men, broad and raucous, their women all loose
Placing vice and the body before God’s High Decree.
But even barbarians bow down to shame,
‘Til far and wide spread our renown,
‘Til each mother’s Morals and Joys were the same,
‘Til not one man danced. No one bellowed. None frowned.
And now in the end we have no regrets.
What foolish misgivings could there possibly be?
Now that every town shimmers and each one is blessed.
Like everything else in Tennessee.
Anonymous
4/25/06
11:41:38 PM
3 Comments:
Your rhythm's a bit off, and it detracts from the poem. And I realize we're not supposed to correct style/grammar on tangst posts, but on a poem I feel It's okay to point out that the apostrophe on "It’s Steeples" should not be there, unless you're going for a contraction of "it is steeples."
As for content...eh. It's alright. Not something I'd personally go for, but that's why there're all kinds of poetry, no?
Oh, but before I forget, I liked the afternoon tea bit. It made me smile.
NanoTy hit on what I was thinking with the rhythm. It wouldn't be hard to fix some of the lines, only it's actually so irregular that I couldn't tell what you were originally going for. I suggest 8 syllable, with no regular stresses.
"For those below knew not of truth." for example. Conform eveyrthing to that structure.
Also:
And now in the end we have no regrets.
What foolish misgivings could there possibly be?
Now that every town shimmers and each one is blessed.
Like everything else in Tennessee.
EXCELLENT.
if you didn't borrow that last line from Stevens (It sounds stevensesque, but I havne't read the one you're talking about) then you are a genius. That last line gave me throes of ecstasy.
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