Love Poem #1
or: History Revised
You were painting blues
the color of smooth whale fins and
ocean water
the color of azurite, the Israeli flag,
the calm of the summer sky,
reflected moonlight, prayer books,
and half a million other things
that remind me of you.
I was painting yellows,
the color of rounded submarines
and fluid fins of fishes
the color of lemons, leaves in September,
cowardice like the belly of a snake,
blinding sunlight, post-it notes,
and half a million other things
that detail my days.
And so when we finished and wandered,
blinking,
Into the sunlight to wash off our brushes,
Our fingers mixed into green,
the color of seaweed wrapped around tide pools
or resting in the current
the color of spring and tendrils
of sage and snap peas,
displays of jade in Chinatown windows,
pine needles on mountainsides, and
the color like the mixing
of blue and yellow handprints.
Nanotyrannus
4/07/2006
08:11:43 PM
or: History Revised
You were painting blues
the color of smooth whale fins and
ocean water
the color of azurite, the Israeli flag,
the calm of the summer sky,
reflected moonlight, prayer books,
and half a million other things
that remind me of you.
I was painting yellows,
the color of rounded submarines
and fluid fins of fishes
the color of lemons, leaves in September,
cowardice like the belly of a snake,
blinding sunlight, post-it notes,
and half a million other things
that detail my days.
And so when we finished and wandered,
blinking,
Into the sunlight to wash off our brushes,
Our fingers mixed into green,
the color of seaweed wrapped around tide pools
or resting in the current
the color of spring and tendrils
of sage and snap peas,
displays of jade in Chinatown windows,
pine needles on mountainsides, and
the color like the mixing
of blue and yellow handprints.
Nanotyrannus
4/07/2006
08:11:43 PM
4 Comments:
The premise is good (I could even say excellent, though there was something about it...) suffice it to say I love the idea.
The execution I felt could have been a little stronger--some people like lists, but I am not one of them.
Also, the biggest flaw for me was that it lacked a natural rhythm (not a regular rhythm but a natural one. the former isn't a big deal to me, really, despite also having an affinity to it). Maybe it was there, but it was too subtle for me to get. I wanted to feel wide, even brush strokes with the words, or mincing yet complete, like a Monet would feel if you made it in to words.
By the way, this is TintedFragipan just on another computer right now and I'm too lazy to log in.
When I say stuff like this I want people to know that it's not because I think I'm some good poet or some good critic. It's just because when I write a poem that's what I want people to do for me.
If you (universal you, not NanoTy you) want me to lay off, just say so.
Mmm, can't believe I didn't say anything about the parallel structure.
I loved that. I ate it up.
Yeah, I see what you're saying about the execution bit. It was a strong image in my head but...yeah. I've got to figure out how exactly I want to revise it.
And in truth, I love it when people tell me the flaws in my poetry (I realize that I am not neccesarily the universal, but this a request for you to not lay off).
Mmmm... I *would* make a joke here involving lesbian love affairs, but really, it wouldn't work. This poem is beautiful, perhaps just because I know something of its origins and therefore have a slightly better picture of what's in your head. The motif of the paint and colors works beautifully, I think. Then again, I'm into lists and I have the unfair advantage of knowing the poet, so I can't give an objective review.
That said, I love your poetic view of love.
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